When you wrote this email to me, all I could think about was a roommate I had years ago. She wasn't blood-related to me but we spent a lot of time together and it was expected, throughout the time we lived together, that we would treat one another like family. This was anything but easy. I found myself never being able to predict her moods. One day she would be so kind to me and the next morning she wouldn't even look at me, scowling as she poured her coffee and went back into her room. I
couldn't figure out what mood I'd be met with. She'd often say unkind things to me, wrapping them with a tone of sarcasm or "oh, don't get your feelings hurt so easily." As a result, I started to avoid the issue. I began avoiding her. I tried to shield myself from her unkind words. I took solace in talking about her with my other roommates, hoping they would commiserate with me and I'd be in the right.
I've learned a ton about talking badly about other people in the last years of my life. I've learned it's not hope-filled and it's not life-giving. Even if I am angry or want to feel justified, I really have to step back to ask myself: am I making myself or anyone better by saying these things? I think it is important to process wounds and frustrations with other people. The vulnerability in that is important. But if your words function more like missiles than white flags, you may need to look
deeper to find what is hurting you so badly and why you are taking it out on another person.
Things never became perfect with my roommate and I. I really felt like I was justified for a long time when I vented to other people but I can look back and say:
my unkind words were no better than her scowls and snarky comments. In that situation, we were no different-- I was just saying my words behind a closed door...READ MORE
